Cold-case lessons from death of Lucy

There are cold cases and then there are ice-cold, deep-frozen cases.

Like Lucy.

She was a small woman, less than 100 pounds. Maybe only 60 pounds. She lived and died in Ethiopia, although it wasn’t called that when she lived there, because it wasn’t called anything.

Lucy’s body was found in 1974 and just recently scientists have begun to understand how she died. Of course, when your body lies around for 3.2 million years, there isn’t always a big hurry to determine cause of death.

Lucy, of course, is the world’s most well-known fossil (edging out Larry King and Keith Richards). Her body was found in a shallow Ethiopian grave 42 years ago – beginning her career as an ideal example of an Australopithecus afarensis species.

Still with me? Good. Because I’m a little confused. I’m trying to figure out whether Pat Riley should have been included among other famous fossils. Anyway . . .

Researchers from the University of Texas recently released a study on how Lucy died. They used original fossil and CT scan results.

Here are their conclusions, and they’re a cautionary tale for anyone alive now, not just in the year 3,177,984 BC (if  the age of her fossil and my math are both correct):

• First of all, Lucy is theorized to have fallen from a tree, plummeting the equivalent of about four floors. (Lesson: Always secure yourself in high areas. And don’t climb trees without reason).
• Second, she tried to shelter her fall with her arms, breaking them and shocking her torso. (Lesson: Wear wrist guards).
• Third, she rolled toward a nearby stream and slowly died. (Lesson: Keep a phone handy and call 911 if needed).

If you’re like me, you have one thought in mind: How can the researchers be sure about her death?

I mean we’ve all seen plenty of TV detective shows when it looks like someone died of natural causes – or “fell” to their death – and we always learn that it wasn’t so simple. Somebody did it. Somebody had means and motive. Somebody wanted to see Lucy out of the picture.

Maybe the answer is obvious. Did anyone ask Desi about Lucy’s death? He might have gotten tired of her zany antics! (Hey! A 60-year-old pop culture gag!)

What about Charlie Brown? He might have tired of her cruel football tricks. (Hey! A 50-year-old pop culture gag!)

What about . . .

Oh, never mind. The point is that there is no statute of limitations on murder. If Lucy indeed was killed by another member of the Australopithecus afarensis species, and if they are reading this column, they need to know this: The researchers at the University of Texas are tracking you down. They know how Lucy died. They know what she did in her last moments.

The next step is time travel: Find a way to go back to when Lucy’s contemporaries were alive and figure out the person behind this nefarious act. Because who knows what Lucy might have done, given a few more years. She could have changed everything.

Maybe she would have invented the wheel, 3.176 million years before humans did so. Maybe she would have learned to write, starting recorded history 3.175 million years before it did. Maybe she could have created a genuinely usable universal remote, which still doesn’t exist. Maybe she could have written a song for the Beatles that no one understands.

Picture yourself in a boat, on a river. With tangerine trees and marmalade skies.

Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she’s gone, indeed. (Hey! A 45-year-old pop culture gag!)

RIP Lucy.

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. Reach him atbradstanhope@hotmail.com.

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